Ok, so most of you have probably seen the photos by now… but I wanted to do a writing to share how it felt to explore middlespace for the first time. This roleplay went a fair bit deeper than what most people assume when they think of a “school girl” fantasy, so here is some of what I learned…
Ethics of Dark Roleplays
The set up for the role play was that I would play a 15 year old school girl, who had asked a stranger and much older man (played by Slade) to buy me some booze from the bottle shop. With nothing else to do, he would then convince me to go back to his place to “watch a movie” where I would polish off a few drinks, get a little messy and things would end up in the bedroom. This fantasy definitely falls under the banner of CNC, as there was much coercion and intoxication at play.
Initially when exploring this idea for a role play with Slade, we both felt the usual shame that comes with CNC fantasies, but this was amplified 10 fold by the age play element. I would like to mention that it is normal for these feelings to come up when exploring darker fantasies. But that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. The whole point in these role plays is getting to play with powerful feelings like coercion, innocence, naughtiness, and danger– which can be massive turn ons— but doing so in a way that only involves consenting adults. This means we get to feel these naughty sexy feelings, but without any of the harmful consequences. Yay for kink!
If you would like to hear the details of this role-play and how it went, listen to episode #67 of Turns Out I’m Into it – available everywhere you listen to podcasts. I go into detail about the different elements of the scene and how it progressed, as well as going much deeper into the topics discussed here.
Exploring Middlespace
I’ve been super curious about middlespace for a while now, but I was worried the headspace might be overwhelming. As a little, I am used to things feeling playful and nurturing, but a teenage headspace would likely bring up more complicated feelings. When I think back to how it felt to be a teenager, I am acutely aware of how self conscious I was, and how desperately I sought validation from older boys. At the time, these feelings did a lot of damage to my self esteem, and I wasn’t sure how it would feel to revisit them now. That said, our biggest turn ons are often right next to our traumas, and the idea of this roleplay was super hot for me! 🥵 I knew this would be a fine line to walk, but I felt confident in myself and in my partner that I was ready to at least give it a go.
Repetition with Agency
The scene was actually much easier than I expected. I fell deep into middlespace, and had an amazing time playing with the feelings that came up. Turns out, teenage self-consciousness is a lot more fun when part of you knows you’re actually a sexually confident adult. Similarly, exploring the need to “be cool” when you know you’re already loved and accepted for who you are, makes those feelings a lot more manageable, and even thrilling to play with.
The name for this in sexology is “Repetition with Agency.” It is one of the pathways to our deepest arousal which involves revisiting childhood wounds, but in a consensual context. When you are choosing to feel those same feelings, but doing so with a trusted partner, and knowing you can stop the scene at any time, you are doing so with agency. This actually can have an incredibly powerful healing effect. It is one of my favorite parts of kink.
If you have some darker fantasies you’d like to explore, I hope that reading this writing has helped shed a little light on why these fantasies are nothing to be ashamed of, and that they can actually be good for you! If you would like some guidance and support in exploring your fantasies, you can always DM me about getting some private coaching.
