This week on my podcast I shared a memory I have from high school. It was the first time I remember being deeply shamed for expressing my sexuality, and I got the message back then, very quickly, that this was not allowed.
The memory is of a dance routine I choreographed to Christina Agulera’s “Genie in a Bottle” (yay for the early 2000’s 🙌🏻). The routine was pretty sexy, as were the music videos I loved watching at that age. Like most teenage girls in the naughties, I wanted to be like Christina, Britany and Shakira. I wanted to feel sexy and confident and be worthy of attention from boys (nothing’s changed there! 😜).
A group of my friends and I worked hard on the dance routine, until a few days out from the performance, one of the teachers saw what we were doing. I’ll never forget his face. He was horrified, shouting “no, no, no!” shaking his head. It was like we had just doused the classroom in gasoline and were about to light it on fire. This teacher, who happened to be one of my favorites (some interesting insights about him in the podcast), very quickly put a stop to our sexy routine and made us tone it WAY down, if we were going to perform it at all.
I remember feeling hurt by this, like it was unjust, I didn’t understand the problem. Something that had felt genuinely fun and exciting to me, was suddenly bad and wrong (don’t worry little Harley, the world is totally comfortable with female sexuality now).
These feelings got worse on the performance night. Even the heavily censored version of our dance was met with awkward, averted eyes from the audience. I specifically remember my older sister in the crowd with her head in her hands, horribly embarrassed by what I was doing. I didn’t get it. My sister was confident, sexy and flirtatious – everything I wanted to be! I thought she would have been proud of me, not embarrassed.
It is this night that pops into my mind whenever I think about expressing my sexuality. Any time I have the desire to lean into my sexy self, there is another voice that says:
“What if you’re actually not sexy at all? What if you’re actually embarrassing yourself?”
Yeah, brains can be real jerks. 🙄
As an adult, I do understand why a group of underage girls dancing sexy at a school performance night feels pretty cringe. But was this really the best way to deal with it? I asked myself what could have made this experience more positive? (Or at least less traumatising). What should have been different about the way people responded to my dancing?
I realise now, is instead of freaking out, what I wish someone had said to me was:
“Harley, you’re not embarrassing, you are beautiful, you are sexy. And that’s the problem! The adults in the room can’t handle it. The world is very uncomfortable with anyone underage expressing their sexuality. But that isn’t your fault.”
That’s the truth right there. It is never the childs fault. It’s always the responsibly of the adults. That’s why we are adults!
I wonder if someone had explained that to me, how different a message I would have received that night? 🤔 Instead of internalising the belief that expressing my sexuality is embarrassing and wrong, I might of realised… hey, my sexuality is really fucking powerful! I am hot, I am sexy, and that has an effect on people. How different would my self-talk have been after that?
“Oh you’re feeling sexy? That’s great Harley, but make sure you don’t give any older gentleman any heart attacks tonight. Your arse is killer!” 🔥😛
Something to think about.
If you’d like to hear more about this story and my reflections on shaming sexuality, listen to this week’s podcast #72 Permission to be Sexy! Lessons From a Burlesque Class.
Turns Out I’m Into it is available everywhere you listen to podcasts 🎧
