Dominance is often misunderstood. In pop culture, it is typically represented as something external—a person dressed in leather holding a whip and shouting commands. But this isn’t true dominance. As BDSM expert and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin explains, dominance is a psychological art. It is about creating a container of trust, safety, and anticipation, allowing the submissive to let go and surrender fully.
Recently I had the pleasure of hosting Shelby on my podcast, Turns Out I’m Into It, where we explored the depths of dominance, submission, and psychological eroticism. You can listen to the full conversation here (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Youtube).
Dominance as Psychological Eroticism
Shelby describes dominance as a form of psychological eroticism, a game of playing pretend with power. When two consenting adults engage in dominance and submission (D/s), they are stepping into roles where one person appears to have control, but in reality, both partners have equal power outside the scene. The psychological element of dominance is what makes it so compelling, transforming interactions into deeply immersive experiences.
Dominance is not just about actions but the energy and intention behind them. A dominant’s body language, tone of voice, and ability to establish a sense of being in control, all shape the experience. Subtle gestures and emotional connection contribute to the intensity of a dynamic, making dominance not just about physical actions but about how it feels.
“Anyone can put on a leather outfit and swing a flogger,” Shelby says. “But not anyone can walk into a room in street clothes, look someone in the eye, and look at the ground and have them submit. That’s what dominance is.“
What Makes a Great Dominant?
A great dominant is not simply aggressive or demanding. Shelby emphasises that true dominance is built on:
- Slowing Down – Shelby highlights that slowing down is a sign of control. Many new dominants rush, mistaking speed for intensity. But true dominance is about deliberate, intentional actions that build anticipation and deepen submission.
- Confidence and Control – A dominant must exude self-assurance, not just in what they do, but in how they hold space for their submissive.
- Communication – Before a scene even begins, a skilled dominant discusses desires, fears, and boundaries with their submissive. Ongoing communication throughout a scene ensures trust and connection.
- Attunement – A dominant must be deeply aware of their submissive’s state, reading non-verbal cues and adjusting their approach to meet their partner’s needs.
Dominance Is Not Just About Taking. It Is About Giving.
A common misconception is that dominance is about taking what you want. But Shelby explains that true dominance is about creating space for the submissive to surrender, to feel held, and to build deep trust.
Many people, particularly cis het men, mistakenly equate dominance with selfishness, believing it to be about forcefully taking charge rather than fostering a mutual experience. This approach can leave partners feeling disconnected or unfulfilled. Instead, real dominance involves awareness, communication, and attunement, ensuring that both partners are fully engaged in the dynamic and getting what they want.
How to Cultivate Dominance
If you are exploring dominance, here are some ways to refine your approach:
- Practice Commanding Presence – Dominance starts before you touch someone. Try adjusting your body language, maintaining eye contact, and using a calm, steady voice to project confidence.
- Slow down – Take your time. Rushing will give off a nervous energy and will not hold the space your submissive craves. Instead, give yourself permission to take as much time as you need. This often builds anticipation.
- Keep in simple – Confidence comes from doing things well. There is no need to overcomplicate a scene by doing things you don’t feel confident with (trust me, your sub can tell!). It is much better to keep the scene simple, and focus on what feels natural. The more comfortable you are, the more intoxicating it feels for your partner.
- Play With Energy – Notice how your partner reacts when you move closer, whisper instructions, or hold silence to build anticipation. It’s not about props—it’s about presence.
- Read Your Partner – Watch for their breath, body language, and subtle reactions. Great dominance is about being deeply attuned to your submissive.
Final Thoughts
Dominance is not about taking control, it’s about being trusted with it. The best dominants are not the loudest, the biggest, or the most forceful. They are the ones who create a safe, thrilling space where submission feels effortless.
As Shelby so beautifully puts it, “Everyone really wants to feel like everything’s going to be okay… Like someone has their back.” This is the feeling you want to create for your partner.
So whether you are new to D/s dynamics or refining your skills, remember, dominance is a psychological art. Master the mind, and the body will follow.
🎧 Want to hear more? Listen to my full conversation with Shelby Devlin on episode #78 of Turns Out I’m Into It, or watch the full video on Youtube.
