When I posted photos of a recent CNC photoshoot on Fetlife last night, it felt like I was sharing a very intimate part of myself. It’s a side of me that very few people get to see, so it was surprisingly wholesome to share those photos and receive such supportive responses from my fellow Fetlifers. You guys are the best! 😊
Like so many women, I have a deep kink for CNC. There are countless reasons why this kink can be such a turn-on, but that’s not what I want to focus on today. Instead, I want to talk about how cathartic this kink can be, and the emotional release it can bring.
This week has been rough. I’ve had several clusterfucks rain on my parade, leaving me feeling pretty damn overwhelmed with this whole “being an adult” thing. I won’t bore you with the details, but I found myself teetering on the edge of a depression spiral, and my way of dealing with it was to make art.
I stripped myself naked, tied a gag around my mouth, and threw myself in a cold shower, all the while drawing on a CNC fantasy of being a captive, stripped and hosed down, ready to be used by her sadistic kidnappers. I captured images of this character on my phone, and after some tasteful editing (and a moment with my vibrator), I shared them on Fetlife…
There’s a deeper significance to this story than just channeling my feelings into art. When I looked at those photos, I truly understood why my CNC kink is such an important part of my life. It’s the one place where I can safely allow myself to be the victim. For someone who holds herself responsible for literally everything, this is a big deal!
Life can be really hard sometimes, and it can be exhausting to always put on a brave face. Like so many people, I constantly try to project a confident, kind, and capable version of myself, all the while another part of me is screaming on the inside. Sometimes it can feel like you’re wearing a mask, pretending to have your shit together when everything feels like it’s falling apart. But I don’t think that’s true. I choose to put on a brave face because I refuse to let fear get the best of me. I am trying to live my life by my personal values, which include being a kind, responsible, and capable adult.
That said, sometimes the fear needs to come out, and that’s where CNC comes in.
In a world where I spend so much energy pretending to be okay, I can’t tell you how cathartic it is to be the victim. Instead of holding it all together, I get to let it all out. Instead of putting on a brave face, I get to feel all my terror. I can cry, kick, and scream. Suddenly, all of those feelings have a place to go. I can let them out!
To add to the intensity, the feeling of being raped in a fantasy feels incredibly validating. Even in my crying-mess of a state, I am desired. I am good enough. He is so overcome with desire that he takes me by force, and nothing in this world makes me feel more attractive than that. If someone says “you’re so beautiful,” they could just be saying that to make me feel better. But a rape fantasy is all about pure, unfiltered desire. If you’re like me and spend the majority of your life criticising every part of yourself and your body, being the object of someone’s raw sexual desire is intoxicating! 🤤
So that’s what I see in those photos: a version of me who is very different from the smiley, happy Harley I generally present to the world. Sharing these photos here has made me realise how safe and accepting this community really is. The fact that I can share this very private side of myself and know that it will be met with curiosity and understanding is incredible. 🙏
Thanks so much for reading!
Xx Harley 🐰
