Have you ever had a fantasy you couldn’t stop thinking about—but felt too embarrassed or ashamed to even admit it to yourself? If so, you’re not alone. Shame around sexual fantasies is incredibly common, thanks to societal taboos, fear of judgment, and the internalized belief that our fantasies say something negative about who we are. But here’s the truth: your fantasies are valid, and they don’t mean you’re a bad person or that you’ll act on something harmful. In this post, we’ll explore why shame around fantasies exists, how to begin letting go of it, and why understanding your desires can help you feel more connected to yourself and your sexuality.
🌟 For a deeper dive into this topic, listen to the latest episode (#76) of Turns Out I’m Into It.
Part 1: Why We Feel Shame About Fantasies
1. Societal Taboos
From a young age, many of us are taught that sexuality is something private or even shameful. Society often labels certain fantasies as “weird” or “wrong,” creating a fear of judgment when our desires don’t fit into narrow, socially acceptable boxes. For example, society tends to view romantic, monogamous fantasies involving one’s partner as acceptable, while anything outside of this—such as group scenarios, power dynamics, or taboo roleplays—might be seen as strange or inappropriate. These messages leave us scared to explore our fantasies, let alone embrace them.
2. Fear of Judgment
Even if we try to accept our fantasies, the fear of rejection or misunderstanding by others can intensify feelings of shame. This fear often stems from worries that sharing a fantasy might lead to being judged as “weird” or having our character questioned. For example, someone might fear that admitting a power dynamic fantasy could cause others to see them as controlling, submissive, or unethical in real life. This fear can make it hard to feel safe even acknowledging certain fantasies to ourselves, let alone sharing them with others.
3. Internalized Messages
Over time, societal taboos and external judgments can become internalized. You might start to feel that your fantasies mean something negative about your character or moral standing. This is where shame really takes hold, convincing us that our desires make us “weird” “broken” or even “unethical”. But the truth is, fantasies are just that: they’re a product of your imagination. Having a fantasy doesn’t mean you’ll act on it or that it’s part of your identity. Most fantasies are far more common than people realize, and they’re nothing to be ashamed of.
Part 2: Steps to Let Go of Shame
1. Acknowledge and Accept
The first step to letting go of shame is acknowledging your fantasies without judgment. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” try asking, “What’s my fantasy trying to tell me about my desires?”
Take some time to explore how your fantasies make you feel. For example, a threesome fantasy might evoke feelings like being “special,” “the centre of attention,” “powerful,” “desired” or “used,” depending on the fantasy. Identifying the emotional themes in your fantasies can help you understand your sexual identity and what feelings turn you on. These feelings are called your Core Desires.
It’s important to understand that we don’t choose what turns us on. Fantasies often emerge from deep parts of our psyche, shaped by experiences, unmet needs in childhood, and even things we can’t fully explain. What matters is not judging them, but being curious about them.
2. Understand That Your Fantasies Are More Normal Than You Think
Society tells us we’re only allowed to fantasize about certain things—usually romantic scenarios or fantasies that involve the person we’re in love with. But this is far from reality. People fantasize about all kinds of things, and most of them are never discussed openly because of the taboo that prevents us from talking freely.
Contrary to societal assumptions, many sexual fantasies that fall outside traditional “romantic” norms are remarkably widespread. Research from the Journal of Sexual Medicine reveals that themes of submission and domination are common among both men and women, with 30-60% of participants reporting fantasies involving being dominated, tied up, or spanked. This study also indicates that fantasies involving multiple partners are prevalent among both men and women.
Recognizing how common it is to have fantasies that fall outside the “acceptable” norm can help you see that your desires are not as “weird” as you might think. Understanding this can be a powerful first step toward embracing your fantasies without judgment.
3. Educate Yourself
One of the best ways to deshame your fantasies is to educate yourself. Learn more about your desires by exploring sex-positive communities, reading books or listening to podcasts (like Turns Out I’m Into It), or joining online forums where people discuss these topics in safe, non-judgmental spaces. Education can normalize your fantasies and show you that you’re far from alone.
4. Find Safe Spaces
If you’re struggling to let go of shame, finding a safe space to talk about your fantasies can be transformative. This might mean working with a sex-positive, kink informed coach (like myself), joining a kink-friendly group, or connecting with trusted friends who can offer support and understanding. Talking about your desires in a judgment-free environment can make them feel less isolating and more accepted.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Finally, be kind to yourself. Shame thrives in silence, but it weakens when met with compassion and curiosity. Remind yourself that your fantasies don’t define your morality or your worth. They are simply a part of your inner world, and exploring them with curiosity can help you better understand yourself.
Conclusion
Letting go of shame around your fantasies is not about changing who you are—it’s about embracing the parts of yourself you’ve been taught to hide. When you approach your desires with curiosity and compassion, you create space for deeper self-acceptance and a more fulfilling connection with your sexuality. Remember: your fantasies are valid, and they don’t make you a bad person. If you’re finding it hard to deshame your desires, know that you’re not alone. You can always reach out to me for support—I’m here to help.
Sources:
Christian C. Joyal, Amélie Cossette, Vanessa Lapierre, What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy?, The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 12, Issue 2, February 2015, Pages 328–340, https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12734
